


too late to back away

by amybri2002



Series: pride month!!! [17]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Coming Out, Discussions of sex, Human AU, M/M, alcohol mention, asexual!janus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:00:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24771277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amybri2002/pseuds/amybri2002
Summary: Janus needs to come clean to his boyfriend before it’s too late.
Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders
Series: pride month!!! [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1769050
Comments: 13
Kudos: 163





	too late to back away

**Author's Note:**

> day seventeen!!! today’s prompt was ‘supportive’. i’m actually pretty proud of this one, this was a lot of fun to write haha. i hope y’all enjoy <3

Janus picked at his fingernails, eyes locked on the table in front of him as he waited for Remus to return with their drinks. He didn't know why he thought this would be a good idea - Remus probably thought this was just a regular date, they pretty much always came to this café anyway, sat at this same table by the window, and Remus had been so happy earlier, what if Janus screwed everything up by doing this? Things were going so well between them, what if Remus thought he was weird, or if it made him lose interest in Janus, or-

Janus breathed in and out, and tried to ignore how his hands were shaking. He glanced down at his gloves, half tempted to shove them back on to stop himself from picking at his nails and to hide how sweaty they were, but he decided against it, because he wouldn't be able to eat and drink with them on. He needed to at least act somewhat normal, so that Remus didn't suspect that anything was wrong. Janus needed to be calm, he needed to act as though everything was just fine. He didn't want Remus to be afraid that they may break up, or that Janus was hiding something.

Well, Janus was hiding something, he supposed, but not like that. No, this... this shouldn't impact their relationship too much, unless it hurt Remus in which case Janus would be okay with ending things. He just wanted Remus to be happy, and... and if Janus couldn't make him happy, then he deserved someone else, someone who could. And... he supposed it was better to get it out now, before things got too serious and it was too late. He just... He needed to be honest with Remus, he didn't want to mislead Remus into anything. 

Remus returned with their drinks and cakes and sat down, immediately launching into a speech, as Remus usually did. Janus had always been a quiet person, happy to just listen to others, whilst Remus had always been a rather loud person, wanting to make his opinions known and release his stories into the world. Janus couldn't quite remember what Remus had been talking about - probably some movie or video game - as he'd been too busy stressing over how to bring up the thing, and thinking of every possible way it could go wrong and how he'd bounce back from that. Surprisingly, Remus didn't seem to notice the anxiety slowly settling on Janus' face.

Well, not at first, anyway. As Janus lifted up his tea to his lips, Remus frowned. "Are you okay, Jan? You seem kinda out of it." 

Janus drank his tea a little longer than necessary, coughing when he placed his cup down as he very nearly choked, before he plastered on a strained smile and nodded at Remus. "I'm quite alright, Remus," he said, voice a little higher than usual. 

Remus' frown deepened. "Are you sure?" He took a bottle of vodka out of his bag and poured a little into his coffee, before taking a sip. Janus tried his best not to be concerned and a little disgusted at that.

"Yes."

"Absolutely positive?"

"Yes, Remus."

"So I don't need to murder anyone?"

"Yes- what?"

"Nothing."

Janus sighed. He took a bite of out his cake, then slouched back in his chair. "Alright, yeah, in all honesty, I'm not doing great," he said, immediately regretting it, but he'd come too far now to turn back. Couldn't this conversation wait a little while? Until next week maybe? Next month? Next year?

No, no. He needed to do this now.

Remus' expression softened. He leaned across the table. "What's wrong?"

Janus breathed in. He glanced around the café, eyes focusing on the elderly couples sitting around, as well as some younger people who weren't exactly the kind of people that Janus could trust, until his eyes eventually landed back on Remus. "Can- Can we talk about this somewhere else?" he asked, not wanting anyone to listen in to his conversation. 

Remus blinked. "Yeah, okay." He took another bite out of his own cake, then downed the rest of his drink. "You're not breaking up with me, are you?" 

"No, no, I-" He paused. Well, maybe. It really depended on Remus' reaction. But... "No." He didn't want to break up with Remus. It would be fine.

Janus drank the rest of his tea and finished his cake in silence, and Remus continued to talk about whatever he'd been talking about before. Once his cake was finished, Remus drank one of those milk pots that were meant to be put into coffee or tea like he'd drink a shot, then stood up. "Alright, your place or mine?"

Janus hesitated. "Uh... how about the park?" he offered, not wanting to go home and still dreading to find out what Remus kept in his bedroom.

Remus raised an eyebrow. "Y'know, I think that's the first time you've been willing to spend more time outside with me than necessary," he said. "I thought you hated sunshine?"

Janus rolled his eyes. "Actually, I don't like the cold. Sunshine is quite nice. And it's still barely spring."

"Sure, Jan." The two grabbed their bags and began to walk out the café, towards the park on the other side of town. It was a Saturday afternoon, so Janus assumed the park would probably be fairly busy, but he also knew of a place in the park that was quiet enough and hidden enough that nobody should bother them. It also meant there probably wouldn't be anywhere to easily escape to if this conversation went worse than Janus already feared, but... it would be fine. Things would be fine.

Maybe if he kept lying to himself, it would become true.

They arrived at a small pond at the back of the park, away from all the screaming children and exasperated parents. Janus sat down at the edge of the pond, staring at the ripples forming across the water as Remus began to chuck small stones in, apparently unable to contain himself - Janus couldn't help but smile fondly at that. Eventually, Remus sat down besides him and got that bottle out his bag again, offering some to Janus.

"No thanks," Janus politely declined, not in the mood to drink straight vodka. Remus just shrugged and drank some himself, before digging into his bag again and taking out a bottle of wine. Ah, that was a little more tempting. He probably needed it, as well, considering what he was about to tell Remus. He took the bottle and had a small sip, not wanting to drink too much but happy to have it as an option.

"So," Remus said, stretching out his legs and twisting his body slightly to face Janus, "what's wrong?"

Janus tapped his fingernails on the glass bottle in his hand. "Nothing's... _wrong_ , per se, but... I do need to talk to you about something."

"Spill."

Janus breathed in. "I... I don't want this to change your opinion on me, and I need you to know that I love you more than anything and still think you are the most beautiful person in the world, but I..."

Remus' eyes widened. "Wait, you are breaking up with me, aren't you?" He cursed under his breath. "Did I do something wrong? I know I can be a little much at times, but-"

"No, Remus, I'm- I'm not breaking up with you," Janus promised. Remus looked relieved by that, but still a little on edge, as though he was scared to hear what Janus was going to say next. It wasn't too late to back down now, was it? No, yes, he needed to just... get it out. "I'm ace," he blurted out, immediately wanting to sink into a hole and die because _damn he'd really just screwed up his chance of living happily with Remus-_

"Is... that it?" Remus tilted his head.

Janus breathed in and out. What the hell was that reaction meant to mean? He'd expected annoyance, maybe anger at the worse, but... not confusion. Maybe confusion over what ace meant, but not... not that. "Yes?" Janus said, quietly. "I... I understand if you can't work with that, like if you're interested in having sex it may not be a brilliant idea to be with a sex-repulsed asexual, so if... if this won't work, I completely understand, I really just want you to be happy, so-"

"Janus," Remus said, cutting Janus off. "I literally could not care less. You're asexual, that's fine, I'm still madly in love with you."

Janus let out a breath. Did... Did that mean Remus was fine with it? Were things actually fine? "So you're..." 

"I'm cool with it," Remus said, with a smile. "Y'know I'll always support you."

Janus felt like he was going to cry, but for entirely different reasons than he'd been anticipating. "I-" 

"Was that what you were so worried about?" Remus questioned.

Janus nodded, slowly. "Yeah, I... I didn't want to mess up what we have."

Remus snorted. "Janus, you could literally murder someone and I'd still be in love with you. I mean, I'd help you hide the body, and everything."

Janus tried his best not to laugh at that. He ended up just taking another gulp of his wine, then leaning back, looking at Remus with fondness.

"So," Remus said, "anything else I need to know?"

Janus blinked.

"Like, how far am I allowed to go?" 

Janus blushed. Oh. "Er, I don't know, kissing is fine I guess-"

Remus nodded. "Gotcha." He took a large gulp of his vodka, almost scaring Janus. Eventually, Janus scooted over towards him and rested his head on his shoulder. Smiling, Remus wrapped an arm around Janus, pulling him closer. Things were okay. He was okay.


End file.
